Thursday, September 15, 2011


I'm uncertain as to how to sum up the last few months. I've basically written book reviews but nothing personal. The blog took a backseat to book reading, summer pursuits, and my physical problems.

I have been struggling since the first week of July with a motion feeling, akin to floating on a boat. It comes and goes, but it's mostly on all the time to one degree or another. Along with the floating sensation are constant headaches, which are an absolute puzzle to me. I have a headache all the time. Some of the time it's just a mild ache, and I hardly notice it's there. Other times it's a hard throbbing.

I've been getting adjustments at the chiropractor. I've seen my family doctor. Neither one knows exactly why I'm feeling this way. Oh, there are some medical test options I can choose from, but I don't love the options. I currently have an appointment with a specialist, but it's a month out and I'm not sure that it's the right direction for me. So I wait.

It's always been near impossible for me to proclaim God is good when I'm suffering. I believe in the sovereignty of God, but when it came down to saying those words while I'm grappling with feeling horrible and wanting my circumstance to change, I stop short of saying it.

I know the Lord is working something in me, though. He's changing me. He knows my great need to learn how to trust Him, to surrender to whatever He gives me. In my daily prayers I've been giving this physical problem over to Him, asking Him to help me be surrendered to His will. If I believe God's will is always for my good and His glory, then I should be able to say that having headaches and a floating-on-a-boat feeling is good for me. I don't want to bring shame to His name by responding with despair.

I've recently learned the song written by Laura Story called Blessings. It's currently my favorite song because it speaks of asking God to remove suffering or making circumstances better, but we don't realize that the hard things God brings are really His mercies toward us. Sometimes when I'm awake at 3:30 AM because my head is spinning, I will turn on this song and sing softly. And it's in those moments I know that God is changing me because I'm drawing nearer to Him.

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